Imagine yourself waking, completely alone, in a foreign land. No buildings are visible. Occasionally a barren tree breaks the monotonous horizon that consists only of dry cracked soil thats given up hoping for any kind of moisture. Now imagine dark storm clouds off in the distance, hovering over a long range of mountains. Sadly, you acknowledge to yourself, that is the path you must follow to find what you've been searching for. You begrudgingly begin your journey towards the dark depths of your soul (represented by the dark storm cloud covered mountains of despair).

This is how things seem to me, in my mind, when I think about where I want to go in my life. I want to fight and scratch and crawl and cuss and wage war against everything that is in between where I'm at and where I want to be. BUT....the trick is that I don't truly know the exact destination. All I know is that I want to get over those mountains, put them in my rear view mirror, and see whats next. I madly want to know what lays beyond.

Everything after this is new territory. But while I'm scared and eager to start, I also want to know other things that aren't part of the course.

You know me...

OK, I know all of that is overly melodramatic. But its not far from the truth. I want to know how to program. To make nothing into something. When I see people able to do that, I idolize them in a way that tells me I'm envious of how they can do that. And it makes me want that for myself. I want to join that exclusive club. Or, to me, that elusive club.
But I do have some small glimmer of hope. Recently a twinkle of light has shown and given way to possibility. After much efforts, trial, errors, lack of sleep, and I'm sure a ton of tears and confusion, Sam was able to land himself a developer/programmer/code monkey job. Everyone is happy for him (the idiot). Its pretty cool when you see someone strive for something for so long, so see them reach their goal. But Sam knows that this is only the real beginning. Everything up til now was just him learning how to walk. The real lessons start after he opens that door.

If you look hard enough, you can see it

But while I see he's at where I want to be, it also shows me that it can be done. With early mornings, late nights, sneaking in practice at work, and using every moment possible. Good for him. And in a way, hooray for me. I just have to put in the efforts to get there. I have to walk that desert, climb those mountains, scream into the storms. By scream I mean cry while in a fetal position.

So as I said in my last post, I started back with the Udacity Computer Science course that I had started months ago. While it (the course) kept my progress, I wanted to start over at the beginning. But you couldn't reset your progress. You can only create a new login. I didn't want to do this. So I just went through all of the videos. And while my previous answers were there, I learned to stop the video after the questions and before the answers. So I can then just go through the process in my head and see how well I could.
Honestly, going through some of the string slicing and indexing along with concatenation and other items, I felt more comfortable that I did originally than when I started months ago. For me, thats a good thing. I'll take anything I can get. So in the past 4 days, I've went back over 3 lessons and am back where I left off. Everything after this is new territory. But while I'm scared and eager to re/start, I also want to know other things that aren't part of the course.

Want to know more?

Like how JSON and APIs work. Not just the book shit, but I want to see an actual API (is it a file you download or a plugin type thing?). I want to play with it and get a feel of it. Like I can show you a picture on how to swim and written instructions, but it can't replace being thrown into the deep end. So I've asked Brian (Bri-Bri Dog) if he'll beat me about the head and shoulders with this until I give in from exhaustion, or I get it.
I've also decided that after this Udacity course, I'm going to go through an older course from Stanford. Its only supposed to be like a 15 hour course so hopefully I can get through it quickly.

Oddly enough, and don't shake your head in amazement, but I've had people ask me "Why are you going through all of this? Whats the point?". I'm thinking to myself "WTF what do you mean whats the point? Whats not the point you assclown? Stop being a douch canoe.". But they soon follow with something to mellow out the hurt "You're trained and experience at such a high level in your career already. So why change?" Of course, I eventually get that they're truly thinking "You're old. What the hell is wrong with you? No one is willing to give people a chance to start from the beginning when they get to your age." But I refuse to accept that logic, even when I see the truth to it.

A great friend of mine, Brian, without intentionally doing anything has shown me that no matter what, there is light out there. Even when you're not looking for it, or if its not in the horizon you seek..its still there. Sam has shown that if you seek the light, you can still grasp the stars. So why not me? I know its not going to be given to me. I have to fight my world, my logic, my concepts, my barriers, and unfortunately my stupidity, to get there. But these guys have shown me so much. I see the efforts they make that aren't visible. My shepherds, if you will.

As for Sam, he'll be a back-end web developer utilizing Python 3.x (because fuck legacy python) and Django framework. He's been using both on projects at work for the past year or so. So this is right up his alley. While I don't think I could follow his path exactly, its close to what I'd like to do. Dilly Dilly Sam! Dilly Dilly

So, if you'll excuse me. I've got mountains to climb.