Sometimes I get asked

Its not that often, but I do get asked about why I'm not posting about the code I'm learning. Or about how far I've come being self taught. Or about why I'm not blogging the code or the lesson I just went through and my take on it. And even asked why I'm not posting a lesson on the lesson I just went through.

I want to see a problem and think "I don't know the solution now, but I will soon."

Honestly, its pretty easy for me to answer. This blog isn't about teaching anyone other than myself. Its not created so google can index what I've written so everyone can come here and be amazed. This blog is intended to be mainly just about most of the things I'm going through during my tribulations of trying to be a self taught programmer. Some mundane, some humorous, and some frustrating mostly frustrating.

Everyone knows google search, I suggest you use instead (not sure what Duck Duck Go is then try this link. But its the same thing. You have a question in your mind, you go there, click search, and you're presented with thousands of pages that could be the answer to your boggle. Yeah, this page and this site isn't one of them. I'm in the extreme minority. I do mean extreme. I'll break it down for you.

Beginning Old

You see, 99.9% of every podcast or blog or live stream or live bootcamp or MOOC (Massive Open Online Course) or get the picture... is made up of primarily 15-30 year old persons. Primarily male, with some female, from all over the world. Most have never had a career, or a family, or even a mortgage to worry about. They've never had a chance to focus on one single thing and chase the glory of being good at that one thing. They're minds are fresh and thirsty for knowledge. They soak it all in with ease. Not knowing how to be confused because they just don't know any better. Not 3 days go by without me reading about some "average developer who started programming at 14".
Yeah, none of those are me. When I was 14 we were interested in the opposite sex, seeing if we could steal beer from our parents, cars, and trying to be older than we really were.

I'm, usually, twice as old as these persons. My children are grown, have moved out on their own, live their own lives. I have worked the same career after being in the military for 8 years. I feel as if I've become good at what I do and what I've done for a career. In fact, I've worked in my career longer than most of new programmers have been alive. Cute huh? I mow my own yard, fix my own cars, and I've built every computer I've ever owned with the exception of the very first one I had.

So looking at computer hardware, for me, feels like child's play. I don't have to understand the logic of it because its second nature. I just see new "features" the manufacturers put out. Same same. But programming is vastly different.

So why the change of scenery

I'm even different than other older beginners too. Because most of them have been in careers that have them learning new processes constantly. Their brains haven't solidified into a certain logic thought process. So seeing something differently isn't that far off. For me, it makes my ears ring. So why then?
Because I want to "get it". I want to see a problem and think "I don't know the answer now, but I will". I like that puzzle. Even as frustrating as it is. So thats why I'm here, with this blog. To annotate, dictate, illuminate, frustrate, and mostly to communicate some of the things I see and that I'm going through. A journal, if you will, of sorts. Hopefully in years to come after I've posted thousands of times, I'll look back and smile at it all. For what its worth, I've stopped being on facebook except late at night after any lessons or studying. And honestly, I feel SO MUCH BETTER for being away from that dark hatefulness.

I hope to see that, like this past week, that I was bouncing around not accomplishing anything or making any progress. Making excuses for not clicking on the start button or taking notes. To remind myself that I had run into a difficult spot, that I had questions and no answers, and no one to turn to. And my response was to bounce from subject to subject, blog to blog, post to post, but still not doing anything to help me get closer to my goal.

To see that I'm truly and honestly very afraid.

Unlike all of these other fine people learning programming now, I'll suffer from age bias. Why would some 23 year old whiz kid hire a man older than his father, who doesn't know shit about shit in the job he's applying for? Good question. Valid question. Scary question. I see people around that are so damn smart. And I know I'm dumb. My brain isn't sharp like theirs and my memory is shit. To top it off, I'm mostly a jerk [as-hohl] because I'm passionate about how I feel about things. I try to explain what I'm thinking in a compassionate manner, but it never comes out the way I intend it to be. But this passion can be a good thing if I wield it right. But in today's world, I've lost my touch.
So here I am again, staring out the window, as the miles go on. It seems like such a long long time since its been so dark before dawn. Yet, this is still what I want to do. I'm not rich, nor am I seeking them. I just want to be successful in something I really want to do. But I'm blind about it all. Literally I'm just an old man feeling around in the dark.
Thus this blog. Not my code nor my theme. Just my words, week by week. Contemplations and mile markers.

But I'll compromise. At the end of each post I'll link to something that struck a cord with me that previous week.
THE ACCIDENTAL CREATIVE by Todd Henry How to be brilliant at a moment's notice
. A really good book.