Yes, its been awhile since I've written anything. Truthfully I've just been lazy. During the first 3 months of my new job, I stressed learning the books and the training. Trying to make sense of a new world with a new language. And when I was finished with the intense 2.75 months of training, I started putting some of that knowledge to use.
I don't know what my future holds, none of us do really, but I do know I'm going to have one
So after the training was over, I really had no desire to sit down and focus my rambling thoughts and ideas to put them into words. It's a shitty excuse, I agree. But it's the truth. I'd like to say I should do better, try harder, make that extra effort. But I won't because I know none of them are the truth. Besides, crap like that are things that a manager tells his subordinates in hopes they'll fall for the line and work harder. You know, hollow motivation. Besides, I'm more of a realist.
So anyways...I've been trying to work and learn my actual job for the past 1.5 months. It's crazy difficult, but for someone like me it's thankfully highly rewarding. I love the feeling of accomplishment that I get when I find a solution to an issue and am able to fix the problem and close the case. But most of the time it feels like the long trudge of retreating glaciers as the earth warmed. There's just so much to learn that it can make you dizzy. When I first interviewed they told me "There's just no way you can learn it all." I don't think I truly understood the depth of those words then. I do now. At least I hope I do, otherwise I'm more lost than I know.
So my journey in life seemingly begins anew, I'm finding that I see things slightly different now. I think I know why. After years of being stressed out about being on-call and living paycheck to paycheck, I don't have many of these worries any longer. I'm finally getting to the point where I'm not even thinking about any work related concerns after I leave work. Coming home after a long day is rewarding, knowing I made a difference in the life of my family. It's really something to be able to just go out for dinner without having to worry.
Spend 5 Hours A Week On Deliberate Learning
This past Friday, after work and the gym, I went to a party over in Fort Worth (only a 45 minute drive). I don't remember the last time I had the desire or the energy for that. Don't get me wrong, it was a super long day, but being able to have that option was liberating for me. I remember seeing friends from my last job doing things and going places, how much I envied that/them. Now I'm able to at least see the world they see.
Its hard to say what or where the future holds for me. As a contractor, I'm hoping I'll be lucky enough to convert over to full time. Thus gaining some pretty kick ass benefits along with other things. But I feel more confident in myself, where I think I'll be fine either way. While I still feel lost with the knowledge I work with (literally think of a grain of sand on the rolling grassy plains of Kansas). I know I'll only get better each day. I sit at work and I listen to the other engineers and I'm amazed with all they know. But the one thing I've learned is that they know this due to experience. And when they don't know something, they do know where to go find out. Thats the big one right there....knowing where the knowledge lays and how to get it.
So quit poking
I've read a lot about how humans learn. What works for some, but not for another. What tricks seem to work the best, and which ones don't. Most millionaire/billionaire have a 5 hour rule. And these 5 hours must conform to 3 strict rules:
The trick for me is when I find myself getting too deep and my eyes glaze over, is to walk away for a bit. What I do now, is that I'll walk over to the other side of the world (cloud engineers) and just say hi. I'll talk to them about their cases and problems, joke, laugh, learn. Almost every time I learn something new. But in reality what I've done is allow my brain to lose focus and relax. It also lets me bond with new friends and coworkers, even when they do give me shit about "I haven't seen any new blog posts from you in a long time" (you know who you are, R).
Right is right
So you're right, I've been slacking in my posts. I'm not sorry about it though. My life the past few months has been a frenzy of learning, working, bewilderment, mass confusion, amazement, fun, pain, effort, strength, and all those other things in between. Where I'm at in life, I'm smart enough to know this is an experience that will help me grow as a man, and as a human. I'm loving it. Not just the job, but the world I've come into as well. One big gooey mess called life.
I've learned that during the same time I was hired on, so were many others. So we've kind of bonded over this nice shiny coating we all have on us. I still try to talk to some of my friends that I used to work with. After working with them for 14 years, thats a good chuck of life that you've spent knowing someone. I tell Sam he owes me lunch, and he tells me I owe him beers. Brian is working his butt off and doesn't seem to have time to go to happy hour as often as he used to. But he's got a ton of weight on his shoulders, so I'm not going to push him unless he's on the edge of a pool.
Life is not going "as planned" for me, but its certainly going forward. Regardless on what I want. I don't mean this is bad. Not at all. My plan was to be rich and famous and loved by all. I'm a dreamer, don't laugh. But as I grow I learn with each step. I learn that there are bad things that go along with the good things. Missing old friends, meeting new ones. And the great things, growing as a person internally and externally. I do miss my old job, I was there for 14 years. Great friends. But I feel that I have become a better person because I stepped out of my comfort zone and forced myself. So I had to pay a price to achieve something that helps me.
I feel that I am happier in my life, with my life. I hope my friends can see this or at least understand this. I hope my new coworkers won't hold my shortcomings against me, regardless on how many questions I ask. I don't know what my future holds, none of us do really, but I do know I'm going to have one. And I know it's up to me to make it as best as it can be.